Oxymoron of the Week

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Oxymoron of the Week

via The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs by Steve on 1/22/08

From eWeek: The 25 Most Influential People at IBM. I mean, they have to be kidding, right? The slideshow depicts a lineup of IBM lifers. It looks like an ad for Depends. Or Polident. Nobody in the entire industry has ever heard of any of these guys. Number 10 on the list is so influential that eWeek couldn't find a photo for him. Yeah. He's a big swinging dick all right. Trust me, these old bastards are lucky if they can influence their bladders to sneak a little pee past their swollen prostates.

Meanwhile in other IBM news I've got my own little bone to pick with the Original Borg. Last week the retards who do marketing for Lotus Notes, IBM's ass-ugly email system, went around bragging that they were about to announce a version of Notes that runs on iPhone. Supposedly they were going to announce this at their big LotusFear conference this week.

Well that put me through the fucking roof. As I pointed out to my guys last week, What the fuck are these inbred morons doing announcing something to do with iPhone without clearing it with us first? Shut the motherfuckers down. Like, now. And who the fuck ever said they could put their software on my Jesus phone in the first place? Putting Notes on iPhone is like getting out a piece of exquisite Wedgwood china and using it to serve a steaming pile of dog shit. Have you ever seen Notes? It's not software, it's a form of punishment. Companies that use Notes have to staff not only a help desk but also a suicide prevention center -- it's that bad. Even the poor bastards at IBM, who are forced to use it, do nothing but complain.

So a bunch of our ninjas flew out to Cambridge and rounded up these morons from Lotus marketing and bitch-slapped them until they cried for mercy. Today the Big Brains at Lotus PR put out a statement saying the whole Notes-on-iPhone claim was just a bad dream, and Notes for iPhone is not ready yet. Real slick.

Buried down low in the latest story, however, is a real gem of a quote: "Kevin McIsaac, an analyst at research firm IBRS, said he's not sure Lotus Notes will have a large impact on enterprise adoption of the device. `I can't really imagine someone who's really hip and cool--like an iPhone user--wanting to use Lotus Notes,' he said."

Amen to that, my brother.

Meanwhile, in the "Definition of Sad" category, check this out -- some marketing fuckwit from Lotus is live blogging the Lotus conference. Big news like this:

7:52 AM A shoutout to Colleen Campbell, Lotus Marketing program director, sitting next to me here in the second row while Sandra Marcus is dancing in front of me! Is this a conference or a party?!?!


I know, right?!?! It's amazing!!!!????!?!?!?! It's not even 8 in the morning and we are rockin it!?!?! We r Lotus n we r 2 kewl!?!

What really saddens me, however, is the idea that somewhere out in some forlorn sad corner of the world someone is actually following this live blog and actually cares what Lotus announces and maybe even wishes he could be there in Orlando to experience the rock concert excitement in person.

To those people I say this: I will pray for your souls.

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What should Roger do?

In a previous life I would have watched the unfolding Roger Clemens soap opera (meltdown?) with a certain amount of glee. After all, stories like this sell newspapers and are fun to write.

But in my current life I look at such situations differently and wonder aloud -- what would I have done if he were my client?

Many of the experts queried have agreed that you can't do much worse than Clemens has done in response to the Mitchell Report which said his trainer injected him with steroids. Most agree that Clemens, if not guilty of such behavior, should have issued a quick and forceful denial, sued the trainer -- Brian McNamee -- who accused him and then kept quiet until the courts took over. If asked for comment he would refuse to talk since the case was in litigation.

Instead, Clemens has taken what was a PR issue and turned it into a potential legal issue. He now runs the risk of perjuring himself. Plus he recorded a phone conversation with Brian McNamee without his knowledge.

But that's all hindsight. So I recently wondered what I would do if Roger Clemens called.

First, he needs to admit he needs help. What made him good on the pitcher's mound is hurting him now. He is determined (stubborn?) and doesn't seem to want to listen to others. That has to change immediately.

I'd tell him that if the report is true, come clean right now. It's not too late to make an admission and make it genuine. America is amazingly forgiving but the longer Clemens waits, the worse it gets. And then at some point it passes a point of no return. (Case in point -- Pete Rose. He finally admitted to gambling but it was years after the first accusation and it didn't come across as heartfelt.)

If the story is false then he needs to say nothing more until he testifies before Congress under oath. He then has to use that testimony as proof he's not lying. He also then needs to pursue his libel suit against McNamee with vigor and determination. A verdict in Clemens' favor will go a long way in convincing people he's not lying.

There will still be doubters but the longer he waits the more worse it will get.

Is this really news?

Jim O'Shea is fired as editor of the LA Times and the amount of coverage it sparks is staggering. And that, in my view, highlights one of the main problems with newspapers today.

Mark Potts, a former colleague at our college paper, writes that O'Shea's departure was inevitable and that it showcases how out of touch many old-time journalists are. I couldn't agree more. (Click here for full post.)

But there's another aspect to this that backs up Mark's point (and mine.) It's the amount of coverage of this event in the papers. Newspapers (and magazines) have got to start thinking about what readers really want to know about. And my strong guess is that few people care about the editor of the LA Times getting fired over refusing to make budget cuts.

If O'Shea was the head of any other business unit that lost as many customers (readers) as he did, news of his departure would hardly warrant a few column inches. Furthermore, if after he was told to leave he got up in front of all the employees and defended himself despite dramatic loss of revenues and customers, people would think he had a warped sense of reality.

Facebook overload

My initial love affair with Facebook is fading fast.

I still think the platform is ingenious and something corporations can emulate for internal comms. But Facebook itself is turning into a non stop promotion machine. I get alerts on all sorts of stuff that have nothing to do with me prompted mostly by promotions.

As a survivor of the media business I understand such a business needs ad dollars to survive. But when it starts pushing stuff to me that I have no interest in looking at, or I can't control, it doesn't serve anyone's purpose.

One of the great hopes of the Internet was personalize marketing -- sending me messages I wanted to see. I thought Facebook would do that but it seems less and less likely.

Some of this is perhaps my fault. I've accepted invites from "friends" who aren't really friends (defined as someone I'd enjoy having a drink with) so maybe the algorithms are making vast assumptions they should not.

Still, Facebook is no longer on the top five list of places I go first thing in the morning.

Customer ping pong

For the past two weeks I have been wrestling with my router and its access to the Internet.

In the process I have learned more about DSL modems, routers and other such stuff than I thought I ever would and my life-long observations about customer service by high tech companies have been confirmed.

First -- customer service. My provider is AT&T and the router is from Linksys. I have to say that once I get through to someone the person on the other end does try his or her best. Where it all falls apart is their tendency to either follow a script or blame some other part of the computer which requires a call to another company. (My longstanding theory is that tech support isn't there to help you but to get rid of you as fast as they can.) Thus, if you're running one of these call centers, and I realize that it's tough to do, some thoughts:

• If you're going to prompt through all sorts of menus before I get a live person, at least retain that info. Don't make me repeat my phone number, operating system if you've already captured it through your decision trees. (Linksys, AT&T)
  
• If I already have a case number put me in a different line. And let me enter it over the phone so you have it ahead of time. That will also avoid the annoying habit of tech experts going through the same script time after time even on the third or fourth call. (Linksys)
  
• If I already have a case number, give the person answering the call a few minutes to review my case before they come online. It's better for the customer and certainly more fair to your tech expert. (Linksys)
  
• Use the same case number. Don't generate a new case number for each call. (Linksys)
• If you're going to charge me for tech support tell me before I sit on hold for 30 minutes. Also -- don't tell me you're going to charge for something on one call and then offer it for free on the other. Actually -- better yet, just don't charge for tech support. (AT&T)

Second -- usability of high tech equipment. These past two weeks have taught me we're a long way from making computer household appliances. We've been saying this for five years and it's still true. Granted, computers are complicated beasts but where it gets truly frustrating for the consumer (and I suspect the manufacturers) is the variety of software and peripherals that are mashed together to produce a computer. In my case I spent countless hours going back and forth between AT&T and Linksys trying to locate the problem. In the end it turned out the modem needed to be changed to bridge mode. Then the router (and the range extender) needed to be reset. It all sounds rather easy on paper but it ends up being immensely time consuming, a bit complicated and frustrating. I am stupid enough to put up with this stuff. I imagine most other people would just say the hell with it and go watch TV or go to bed.